stay



do you need a reason? i begin to type. Is that it?
what do you need me to say?

stupid, stupid question. I tapped my fingers against my upper lip, staring at the flashing line on the phone screen. late summer sighed through the screen.

no it's not you who needs me to tell you something, it's me. I need to. For me, but for you, because you gave me something super important today. the science fair ribbon you've saved since you were small enough for your mom to force you into cardigans. i asked you why and you smiled and said no reason. it was for a reason though, and I think I know what it is.

I swallowed, my jaw tight, then read the text over. I erased everything. deep breath.

Just say hi


TIMESTAMP 10:54 PM

m: heyyou

TIMESTAMP 11:05 PM

h: Hey

m: what's up

h: nothing

m: are you sure?

h: lol yeah I'm sure
what are you doing?

m: laying around in my room staring at my fairy lights like they're stars
did you eat anything tonight?

TIMESTAMP 11:07PM

m: remember the time we went for coffee

TIMESTAMP 11:30PM

h: we went for coffee lots of times

m: but this was the time when we sat in the car and talked about the trees

h: yeah
yeah I remember

m: you told me you felt like you didn't deserve to be here or something
Do you remember that?

TIMESTAMP 11:45PM

h: sry I was helping mom with dishes

m: this late?


He wasn't going to answer that. And I already knew that wasn't it anyway. I typed again.


m: heyy uh. Can I ask you a personal question

h: o boy

m: super personal

h: ok

m: you ready

h: getting dvared
*Scared

m: will you marry me

h: HollYYY

m: serious question

h: how
I mean

TIMESTAMP 12:01AM


h: dang I wanted to be the one to ask you

m: too late now

h: hahah whoa
kinda watery eyed rn tbh
I think legally we're too young

m: nah I think we would just need our parents to sign the thingie

h: did you just google it?

m: or we could just wait a couple months and we'll be 18

h: you got it all figured
why are you asking me?

m: to marry me?

h: yes

m: because it's a reason.

h: a reason?

m: a reason to fight the reason why you gave me that old ribbon today at school

h: I don't understand


I stopped typing. I dropped the phone into my lap and leaned back into the pillows stacked up against my headboard. I squeezed my eyes shut and a tear escaped by the skin of it's teeth.


m: I think you do

TIMESTAMP 12:18 AM

h: you don't understand

m: no but I understand you. I've grown up with you, I've eaten Pop tarts in pillow forts with you. I've climbed to the top of fire escapes to watch the sunset with you. I've heard your voice get stuck in that pitch between boy and man. I've watched your basketball practices from the bleachers. I've watched the way you play with little kids and the way you secretly feed the neighborhood cats the scraps from dinner. I know that you like breakfast late at night and that you have a falling apart collection of Jules Vern books. I know that you wear contacts and that you hated glasses. I understand that you like longboarding in the park at dusk and that you have freckles on your face and neck and back. I know that you're scared of heights and that's why you hate the ferris wheel. I understand that you pray when you walk alone because I see your lips moving and no words coming out. I know that the night is the hardest time. maybe that's why you like breakfast so late, bc it reminds you of morning.

no I don't understand IT. but YOU I understand a lot.

h: What do you want me to do?

m: nothing except think about all the other sunsets we haven't seen yet.
All the sunrises
The first kiss we've never had

h: i don't know what to say

m: you don't have to say anything

TIMESTAMP 12:25AM

m: just stay
please
stay for the road trips we've never taken
the feeling of the ocean rushing through the gaps between your fingers
dressing up fancy and blowing money on tiny portions of expensive food
walking in parks with our shoes in our hands and the dew between our toes

h: but what if we never do all of these things??


i paused, my fingers just above the screen.


m: but what if we do?

what if you stay
stay for running away and getting married. Me wasting money on a chanel lipstick for the occasion and getting it all over your face

h: I'm not lying when I say you're making me cry
I'm in my bedroom with the lights off

m: good
Just listen and pretend you can hear my voice around you instead of just reading these words on a lit up screen with a half battery

h: how did you know

m: stay for the honeymoon with nothing but packs on our backs and dreams in our heads
Stay for whispering "oh my gosh we're married" on the plane
For the nights I'll be with you
All the nights I won't let the nightmares have you.

TIMESTAMP 12:30 AM

m: stay for the cake in our freezer.
for buying our first place
having a lawn out the front to watch the stars
stay for fourth of July
for dancing in the driveway
for autumn leaves and bleached out Polaroids
stay for the day I tell you we'll be three
And the tiny fingers that might resemble yours
stay for picking out names
And buying a vw bus and going to all the national parks
for rainy days in
reading her picture books

h: whoooaaa
who says it will be a her?

m: why don't you stay and find out

why don't you stay for the hundreds of
thousands of
things we could do together

stay to take the earth by storm.

with me.

TIMESTAMP 1:00AM


i was almost asleep when my phone vibrated. i looked down.


h: ok
ok
i'll stay
but it's just

m: i know
i know its hard
just focus on the next thing

h: like what?
what else should i stay for?
other than you and everything


I thought for a moment. then i smiled and thought about the sound of his laugh.



m: stay for breakfast




___________________________



nothing big, nothing fancy. almost was going to revise this to make it something more, but i wrote it on a long drive as just a stream of thought, and i felt it deep when i typed it. so i thought i'd just let it be. i wrote this as a part two of this post i wrote a year ago. i imagine the characters to be the same.

i was just thinking about how you never know when that text you're almost about to not send could really change something around for someone. don't be shy when showing kindness... the world needs more people who aren't afraid to show someone they care & that they're worth it. because every single one of us has so much to stay for. so when you get that urge to say something or reach out, maybe just do it. it may just be exactly what they need in that moment. you never know.

love you guys so so much


lOVE,
kATE



i just want to say thank you



Hey beautiful soul, and happy happy weekend. :) This post is a very very special and humbling one for me because this one is about the blog tour. I'm sitting in my office rn (pumping this in my headphones) and honestly, looking back at this summer...pshh I don't know HOW to thank you guys for the support you've given me and continue to give me.

i mean, i'm just one girl. i write down the things i feel and see, and the fact that these things i write mean something to someone blows my mind and fills me with ridiculous amounts of joy. you literally don't even know how often i've wept reading reviews, blog posts, and notes from some of you who have read the blood race and been affected by it in some way.

there are not enough words in the English language to properly capture how grateful I am for you. yes, specifically YOU, you beautiful soul. Honestly, I'd just like to take you all out for coffee and quiche, but being limited by this laptop screen, the least I can do is say a great, big, massive THANK YOU to the beautiful, creative, and talented people below, who were kind enough to blog about my very first book's release. I love you guys so much. <3 Please, please go check out their (beautiful + life giving) blogging spaces and show them some love.


- THANK YOU - 


extra special thanks to these 2 ladies for hosting the whole thing. <3


Beth



If you would like to snag a copy of my novel, you can do that right here. :) Every copy helps me keep writing.






lOVE,
kATE

the rivets



it's not always the big things. the long trips, the far reaches, the epic climbs and the butterflies as we take to the stage. no, it seems the more i fly, run, reach, and do the things i've always dreamed of, the more i realize that though these are all beautiful, sparkling gems of life... this pure, sweet existence is stapled together not by these grand gestures and gallivants.

but by the dawn creeping through the curtains. the coffee in white mugs. the scent of my husbands tee shirts. the sound of my sister's orchestral laughter. afternoon talks with my mom. the time between sunset and dusk when the crickets and stars start to come out. my dad's jokes. snapbacks. lemonade. sweaters. passing cars with "just married" written on their rear window. warm clothes that just came out of the dryer. eating cereal late at night. long hugs. shooting stars. car rides going no where in particular. spotify playlists. tangled hair. open car windows. how my sister's eyes get really big when she's excited. i love you texts. seeing the ocean. stretching. doodling the the edges of shopping lists. holding someones hand. 

mm. these. all of these are the things that make up life - happiness. not the big big things; the dreams, the careers, the whirlwind tours... wouldn't it all be nothing without all of these little stitches that make up life's tapestry? 

sometimes i forget. sometimes i'm stressed off the wall and i just want to 'succeed so i can be happy'. but then i remember that i'm a funny little child who needs to be reminded that these "little" things are the successes. because 'success' without them is hollow and echoing. success is in these little things; like rivets, they hold up the bridge.

they are the stuff of life. what we have sought, we already have.






just some sleepy, afternoon, jetlagged thoughts. i'm editing book two and marketing book one (!!!) and it can get stressful and sometimes make me lose track of how beautiful beautiful and exciting everything is. thinking about all of these beautiful pieces of life brings me back to earth and shows me the stars again. <3 

can you name me ten little things that make your heart hum please???




xo
kATE