i do not have it figured out


when you grow up they tell you that you will settle, as though you are but a human-shaped turbulent sea, roaring and churning. you are this way because you are a child. you are young, you have plenty of time to 'figure it out'

but as i grow, and now that i am considered no more a child but a young woman, i find in myself a greater and more tempestuous ocean than was there before; a longing, restless line of waves, not all of discontentment but all of reaching and roaring. all a testament that there must be more. there must. there must be more.

i do not have it figured out. we live in a world where you "should" but i don't, and would mourn the day i say those words. i never want to have it all figured out. i never want my seas to calm, the roar of my waves to fade away. i have more questions now than i did, because i've grown and with that growth comes new views and perspectives and understanding - and more whys and whens and hows. and i would be bored and rotting away if i knew the answers to them all. i would be no explorer, and that is what i enjoy the most about life. i am privileged to awake each morning to the songs of birds and the wind on my face and questions churning on my tongue.

because often when i declare i know exactly what i am and what i am doing, i slam shut the doors of a hundred thousand wild and wandering roads that were mine for the taking; given as gifts. i write. i travel. i explore. i dream. i surf. but i bite my tongue before i restrict myself within any of these definitions. we often mistake the aching of our heart as a need for definition, but the many hours i have spent in unraveling my tangled thoughts and aches has revealed that it is a deep seated need to be free.

freedom is my desire. space. the rhythm and pulse of my creators heartbeat and the desire to ride the waves as they come, pushing and raising me to where i should and need to be. i want to enjoy, not know. not have it all written in ink. not be rigid. but that my desire for him will create space for him to fill.

don't listen to the listen of the world; that you should fit their tiny box. that you should be loved by them. if they hated my father, i would be nothing but glad for them to hate me too. it is only their love that i fear - it's only then that i would feel that sinking hollow in my chest that raising the warning flag that i must be doing something terribly wrong.


_________



stumbled across this in one of my notepads. i can't remember when i wrote this, or why, but i think i may have been trying to write a bio.

lOVE,
kATE

p.s. Worlds Beneath's first trailer comes out this weekend and i am really really really excited oh my goodness. 

20 comments

  1. First, this post is something I really relate to right now, especially the part about not seeking love from the world. I've been dealing with a lot of girls at work hating me for no reason other than the fact that I don't involve myself in the drama they like to cause. It's hard because I don't like knowing they talk about me behind my back, sometimes even when I can hear them talking about me.

    But seeking God's love above all is so much more important. And I'm slowly coming to terms with that. There will be people out there that hate me for no reason. It doesn't matter because I have Jesus. <3 (And I have all the amazing people I've met through blogging, so its all good.)

    Second, A BOOK TRAILER, WHAT THE HECK I CAN'T WAIT THAT'S SO EPIC!!! SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!! And so excited for July so I can buy myself a paperback copy of Worlds Beneath!!

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    1. stay strong Ivie... you are such a gifted soul, don't like the world get you down when you're made to soar. let all that junk roll off of you like water. i take comfort in how Jesus told us "if they hate me, they'll hate you too"... when the world treats us crappy, be pumped because it means you look like your Papa. <3 I love everything you said here + am so encouraged by your comments. CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU TO SEE THE TRAILER!!!

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  2. Beautiful, beautiful post, Kate! Your writing is lovely, and this spoke to me a lot. I like embracing seasons of not knowing, but rather exploring, experiencing, and just trusting in God. <3 Your content breathes life, Kate.
    Have a nice week! x

    Joanne | With Risa: A Lifestyle Blog

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    1. YEAS, THE EXPLORING SEASON IS THE BEST <3 embrace it so much. joanne, your blog is absolutely gorgeous and i am so grateful to you for reading & commenting <3 so glad you got something out of this

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  3. roses are red
    violets are blue
    this is freaking beautiful
    and so are you

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  4. THIS IS GORGEOUS. I think it's becoming a habit for me to fangirl and relate to your words. They always take me to a place I'm dealing with in my own life.

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    1. ohhh, Kara Lynn, I am so glad! that makes my day that my words can resonate with you. <3 keep chasing those dreams

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  5. so much deep, hard-hitting truth here <3 everyone needs this.

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    1. <3 <3 <3 thank you so much, Autumn. your words mean so much to me! i am so glad you got something out of this

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  6. I LOVE THIS. Man. Your words are so beautiful (and so are your pictures).

    (PS YES CAN'T WAIT FOR THE TRAILER)

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    1. Thank you so much, Hanne! <3 you're awesome, and i am so pumped you enjoyed the post. i am so stoked to share the trailer and see what you think of it!!

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  7. "i never want to have it all figured out. i never want my seas to calm, the roar of my waves to fade away." <-- that. I am both afraid of not having my life figured out and of settling for whatever is easiest. But I'm learning to trust and realize that I will never have everything figured out. Life is a beautiful adventure, and it is best to embrace it as much as we can.

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    1. life is SUCH a beautiful adventure, amen to that, Hannah! keep dreaming and living and pursuing those beautiful dreams and goals of yours!

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  8. I have been in a stage where I've felt very overwhelmed by how much the world has to offer and how many things I want to do. Then I realized that all of those desires to travel and learn languages and play instruments doesn't mean that I have to do all of them now or I'm a failure, but instead, it means that I am just really excited by life. Through that realization, the Lord has been showing me that for all of my life I am going to be learning new things and seeing new connections. I will never reach a place where I am completely settled in my life and sure of what's next. I think that's part of the excitement. We're never done growing up, we're never done learning that we know so little, and we're never done trusting all of our unsureities to Him.

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    1. ohh Evangeline, i can so relate to every well-put word you wrote here. I have had such similar feelings, and i couldn't agree with you more... i want to print this out and frame it. so much truth

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  9. 'don't listen to the listen of the world; that you should fit their tiny box. that you should be loved by them. if they hated my father, i would be nothing but glad for them to hate me too. it is only their love that i fear - it's only then that i would feel that sinking hollow in my chest that raising the warning flag that i must be doing something terribly wrong.'

    I got tears in my eyes this is so beautiful and so true. I didn't know how much I needed to hear this, thank you Kate <3

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  10. Note pad entries are the best! I don't think we should settle and rest. I want to keep growing and keep moving up. If my life comes to a point where I am just flat I hope I can find something to move it up again. Thank you for sharing this piece with us!

    Simply Me

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  11. Wow! That just hit me with a load of truth! I think that we're often told we need to tame that ocean, to be afraid of it, but honestly, I think it's just a sign that we're still alive and fighting and that's beautiful to me. <3 <3 <3 You word it all so well. That it is not a desire to be defined, but a need to be free... gosh that wave hit me right in the feels! I honestly get so excited to read your blog posts because they're so inspiring <3

    xoxo
    Lizzy

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  12. your words will always be my favorite

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