stay



do you need a reason? i begin to type. Is that it?
what do you need me to say?

stupid, stupid question. I tapped my fingers against my upper lip, staring at the flashing line on the phone screen. late summer sighed through the screen.

no it's not you who needs me to tell you something, it's me. I need to. For me, but for you, because you gave me something super important today. the science fair ribbon you've saved since you were small enough for your mom to force you into cardigans. i asked you why and you smiled and said no reason. it was for a reason though, and I think I know what it is.

I swallowed, my jaw tight, then read the text over. I erased everything. deep breath.

Just say hi


TIMESTAMP 10:54 PM

m: heyyou

TIMESTAMP 11:05 PM

h: Hey

m: what's up

h: nothing

m: are you sure?

h: lol yeah I'm sure
what are you doing?

m: laying around in my room staring at my fairy lights like they're stars
did you eat anything tonight?

TIMESTAMP 11:07PM

m: remember the time we went for coffee

TIMESTAMP 11:30PM

h: we went for coffee lots of times

m: but this was the time when we sat in the car and talked about the trees

h: yeah
yeah I remember

m: you told me you felt like you didn't deserve to be here or something
Do you remember that?

TIMESTAMP 11:45PM

h: sry I was helping mom with dishes

m: this late?


He wasn't going to answer that. And I already knew that wasn't it anyway. I typed again.


m: heyy uh. Can I ask you a personal question

h: o boy

m: super personal

h: ok

m: you ready

h: getting dvared
*Scared

m: will you marry me

h: HollYYY

m: serious question

h: how
I mean

TIMESTAMP 12:01AM


h: dang I wanted to be the one to ask you

m: too late now

h: hahah whoa
kinda watery eyed rn tbh
I think legally we're too young

m: nah I think we would just need our parents to sign the thingie

h: did you just google it?

m: or we could just wait a couple months and we'll be 18

h: you got it all figured
why are you asking me?

m: to marry me?

h: yes

m: because it's a reason.

h: a reason?

m: a reason to fight the reason why you gave me that old ribbon today at school

h: I don't understand


I stopped typing. I dropped the phone into my lap and leaned back into the pillows stacked up against my headboard. I squeezed my eyes shut and a tear escaped by the skin of it's teeth.


m: I think you do

TIMESTAMP 12:18 AM

h: you don't understand

m: no but I understand you. I've grown up with you, I've eaten Pop tarts in pillow forts with you. I've climbed to the top of fire escapes to watch the sunset with you. I've heard your voice get stuck in that pitch between boy and man. I've watched your basketball practices from the bleachers. I've watched the way you play with little kids and the way you secretly feed the neighborhood cats the scraps from dinner. I know that you like breakfast late at night and that you have a falling apart collection of Jules Vern books. I know that you wear contacts and that you hated glasses. I understand that you like longboarding in the park at dusk and that you have freckles on your face and neck and back. I know that you're scared of heights and that's why you hate the ferris wheel. I understand that you pray when you walk alone because I see your lips moving and no words coming out. I know that the night is the hardest time. maybe that's why you like breakfast so late, bc it reminds you of morning.

no I don't understand IT. but YOU I understand a lot.

h: What do you want me to do?

m: nothing except think about all the other sunsets we haven't seen yet.
All the sunrises
The first kiss we've never had

h: i don't know what to say

m: you don't have to say anything

TIMESTAMP 12:25AM

m: just stay
please
stay for the road trips we've never taken
the feeling of the ocean rushing through the gaps between your fingers
dressing up fancy and blowing money on tiny portions of expensive food
walking in parks with our shoes in our hands and the dew between our toes

h: but what if we never do all of these things??


i paused, my fingers just above the screen.


m: but what if we do?

what if you stay
stay for running away and getting married. Me wasting money on a chanel lipstick for the occasion and getting it all over your face

h: I'm not lying when I say you're making me cry
I'm in my bedroom with the lights off

m: good
Just listen and pretend you can hear my voice around you instead of just reading these words on a lit up screen with a half battery

h: how did you know

m: stay for the honeymoon with nothing but packs on our backs and dreams in our heads
Stay for whispering "oh my gosh we're married" on the plane
For the nights I'll be with you
All the nights I won't let the nightmares have you.

TIMESTAMP 12:30 AM

m: stay for the cake in our freezer.
for buying our first place
having a lawn out the front to watch the stars
stay for fourth of July
for dancing in the driveway
for autumn leaves and bleached out Polaroids
stay for the day I tell you we'll be three
And the tiny fingers that might resemble yours
stay for picking out names
And buying a vw bus and going to all the national parks
for rainy days in
reading her picture books

h: whoooaaa
who says it will be a her?

m: why don't you stay and find out

why don't you stay for the hundreds of
thousands of
things we could do together

stay to take the earth by storm.

with me.

TIMESTAMP 1:00AM


i was almost asleep when my phone vibrated. i looked down.


h: ok
ok
i'll stay
but it's just

m: i know
i know its hard
just focus on the next thing

h: like what?
what else should i stay for?
other than you and everything


I thought for a moment. then i smiled and thought about the sound of his laugh.



m: stay for breakfast




___________________________



nothing big, nothing fancy. almost was going to revise this to make it something more, but i wrote it on a long drive as just a stream of thought, and i felt it deep when i typed it. so i thought i'd just let it be. i wrote this as a part two of this post i wrote a year ago. i imagine the characters to be the same.

i was just thinking about how you never know when that text you're almost about to not send could really change something around for someone. don't be shy when showing kindness... the world needs more people who aren't afraid to show someone they care & that they're worth it. because every single one of us has so much to stay for. so when you get that urge to say something or reach out, maybe just do it. it may just be exactly what they need in that moment. you never know.

love you guys so so much


lOVE,
kATE



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45 people commented on this post.

  1. This. I feel this. I feel this so much. <3
    I love how you tell such moving stories in such simple ways.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hannah, your comment made me so so happy. :') I am so touched that you think so and that the story meant something to you.

      Delete
  2. thank you for sharing this gold with the world <333333

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. xxxx thank you for telling me i should

      Delete
  3. This is beautiful!! I love it!! <3 <3 <3

    ~Ivie
    iviewrites.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gaaaah, man, thank you, Ivie!! <3 I am super pumped that you loved it

      Delete
  4. i wish this didn't have to end. wow kate this is so beautiful i seriously have no words. you moved my entire heart. thank you for sharing this. it made an impact on me. <3 i'm literally hyperventilating with the beauty of this story and the older post you linked to + my heart legit aches. there is magic in your words believe me, you amazing writer. <3 <3 <3

    sophy of sophyslighthouse.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh my goodness, you have no idea how much it means to me that this story could move you, Sophy. :') You're a gem. Thank you so much.

      Delete
  5. As I was reading this I kind of thought it was real and I was like OH MY GOSH. But now that I know that it's not I'm still like OH MY GOSH because this is beautiful!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. !!!! I am so glad it felt that realistic ^^ thank you bunches, Nabila

      Delete
  6. No kidding I'm in tears, this is so so spot on <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow, I was imagining those same characters as I read, before you mentioned your other post! But seriously, I never know how to comment on your stories. You take ordinary words and turn them into to something magical, wrought with meaning and 100% quality.

    And the heart behind this is so good too. I'm trying to challenge myself to step out and invest in others, and this post was perfect. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my GOSH! That makes me so happy that you thought of the other story before I had even mentioned it!! Your intuition is on point. <3 :) honestly... you have no idea how much your sweet, beautiful words mean to me. You're a huge blessing, Jessica! Love you, girl!

      Delete
  8. Replies
    1. :'))) I'm so glad you got something out of this story, Zane

      Delete
  9. I didn't know where this was going at first, and then it became so unspeakably beautiful. My heart feels a little cramped sitting at the top of my chest rn but thanks for this <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you thank you thank you so much, Olivia, my goodness <3 :')

      Delete
  10. Replies
    1. there are tears running down my face anD I DONT CRY IN BLOGPOSTS
      KATE
      I JUST
      I'M SO THANKFUL FOR YOU
      THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
      wow
      never stop writing pls this world needs u alsdkfjlsdk i love u

      Delete
    2. OLIVIA I WAS ABOUT READY TO WEEP READING THIS <3 THANK YOU THANK YOU LOVE YOU

      Delete
  11. WOW WOW WOW WOW. I have no words. Count them: none. THANK YOU for writing this. Definitely will be coming back and rereading multiple times.

    Hailey
    www.haileyhudson.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ohhhh man, Hailey, thank you.... seriously you have noo clue how much that means to me

      Delete
  12. GOSHWOWDARNITALL. This was insane. Like, INSANEinsane. As in "I am bawling my heart out now" insane. It was so sweet and wonderful and lovely and beautifully written and ALLOFIT.
    You have such a talent for writing. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AMELLLIIAA OH MAN :') <3 i don't even know what to say!! Thank you so much!! That means so much to me!

      Delete
  13. I wanted this to be a novel. I didn't want this to end. This was beautiful. THANK YOU for this. <3

    ~ Savannah | Scattered Scribblings

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. whaaaaaaAAAT OH my goodness that makes me want to cry with happiness. <3 THANK YOU, SAVANNAH

      Delete
  14. You beautiful, beautiful human being... Oh my gosh, I don't know if you know how MUCH your words sink into my brain and give me chills and make me want to live a better life. I swear, you must have some kind of magic in your fingers when you write! <3
    xoxo,
    Lizzy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lizzy, YOU are a beautiful soul. :') Thank you for just blowing up my heart with joy

      Delete
  15. Not lying when I say my eyes ar starting to get teary. I like the conversation between the two. I fell in love with the short story. Beautiful.be right back I'm going to cry because this was so good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ohhh gosh, thank you sooo much, Vanessa, truly <3 that means more than i can put into words

      Delete
  16. KATE THIS IS SO ACHINGLY GORGEOUS. just wow. every single one of these comments praising you are true. You have some serious talent. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh MAN, KATIE NOW YOU GONE MAKE ME CRY :') thank you, beautiful soul <3

      Delete
  17. ..............











    oh my gosh.
    Kate.
    I am speechless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am genuinely on the verge of tears right now. This is so real and so raw and one of those posts that you read and can just SEE happening in your life. My heart is aching. Thank you for this.

      And that's such a good reminder. Send that text. It's always a good idea to spread kindness.

      I love you.

      Delete
    2. GRACE AAANNNEE :') THANK YOU. Thank you so so much; it means so dang much to me that you got something out of it. and yes... it was just hitting me so hard - we all need to follow the nudgings of our hearts more. it could change someone's situation in ways we don't even realize.

      Delete
  18. WOWwowWOW THIS this is why I love you like yes.

    Thank you for this <3 This made my heart turn in the best way and you're so right. That one text could mean everything. Your words, man. They're powerful. I love this <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. wowowowWWW I LOVE YOU TOO AUTUMN <3 Your comment means mountains to me :')

      Delete
  19. Well this was absolutely gorgeous. Your writing!!! Powerful and lovely and just wow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Olivia, dang :') that means a lot

      Delete
  20. this was beautiful! wow, life would be so different if people would just say what they really wanted to <3 this gave me soooo many feels, thank you Katie for this lovely message!

    ReplyDelete

comments are like dark chocolate and they make this kid way happy. I love hearing from you guys! (check back because I reply...and I love checking out your blogs, so don't leave me without a link to yours!) ♥