gold bones



I pull and nothing happens. I pull again and nothing happens.

“Yo. Open up.”

I watch the little black lock-indicator relent through the passenger glass. In a brash motion I fling the door to its hinge's extent and fall in. I balance two coffees stacked on top of each other. The straws are inconvenient.

 “Soymilk,” I extend it.

His hand is bone and milk white as it comes and wraps around the plastic cup.  “Thank you.”

He is in messy hair and faded skin. I am in high-waisted shorts and a starchy new tee shirt. There is space in his skinny jeans but he's still breathing. There’s no pretty scenery but there’s some trees going out the windshield.

There’s a minute where nothing happens. The car is off so there’s no air conditioner noises and no bastille noises because the key it out of the mouth of the key receiver and the music died like don mclean said it would when I opened the passenger. a car door somewhere else opens and closes and I watch him pull the paper tip off of his straw with his teeth.

“you want to go for a ride?” I ask. “somewhere
pretty
where we can drink these. And look at
pretty
things.”

he shakes his mess. this is the first time he has been out in a week. his eyes aren't ready for the pretty yet, but they are ok with the parking lot. 

"okay," i say. sipping.

"its pretty
here."
he says, moving some bones toward the glass separating us from the coffee shop.
"look."

"i'm looking"

"you see those
trees?"

"i see them."

he leans back,
putting the
paper
into his fist.

i move my eyes to the windshield and look at the trees. i sip the coffee in my hand. this  the first time i've
seen him
in a
week.

i wonder when he's last eaten.

"man," he says. "look at those trees though..."

i say nothing for a minute.

"what do you see
when you look at those trees?"

he thinks.

i think about putting the music back on for him. would it make him feel safer to have the noise? should i give him the noise? 

"i see
tree skin." he says and moves the straw past his thin
lips.
"bark.
messy.
tree tumors."

"i saw a bowl made out of a tree tumor at a museum once." 

"yeah?"

"yeah, i don't know."

he swallows and then
leans his head back on the rest.
he is so tall that it just kinda drapes there, letting some of the
reddish blonde fall over the back;
coaxing his adam's apple to the surface of the skin wrapping his gullet. 

"trees."

"yes."
i agree.

he swallows and it's noticeable with the way his head is. the bump in his throat drifts up and down.
his eyes laze shut.

"you want me to put the key in so
so you can have the
music
back?"

he shakes his head
or tries

and then just says "mmm"
instead.

less energy spent in the murmurings than in the movements.
the movements are
heavy.

"mmm" sounds like yes but i know him well enough to know it means the opposite. 

"i'm ok."

"you sure?"

"i'm ok."

"ok."

he sits back up again and sips the drink in his hands, swallows some substance this time.
he laughs without parting his lips. the noise catches in the space between his teeth and skin.

the laugh is a swan
covered in oil;

pretty once
but half dead now. 

"why, you want the music on? i thought you liked talking." he says. "the quiet."

"i do." i say.
"i do like
talking but i
want you to be

comfortable."

he stops being
himself for a
second, looking.

"but you know..." he says. "like,

i feel like maybe i'm too
comfortable.

i'm too comfortable in a

bad way.

because my comfort zones... I don't know...

i didn't make them in good places.
so when i'm
in them, i'm

i'm in a not good place."

"you're
not
in a good place." 

"stop with your english," he moans. 

i laugh "i'm sorry,
i'm sorry."

he thinks, but i can tell it's about something else. 

"you know what's so weird though?" he asks, then goes on. "i
made
those places. the comfortable places. i
made that

head space."

"you can always make new ones, you know." i said.
"new head spaces."

"i don't
know how."

"you say
you don't know how, but
but you won't let anyone show you how." i said

casual but
but wanting to tear him
apart to

to get to the 
gold
underneath

"it would start with
that
thing you
hate
so much.

it would start with something light, like a croissant. maybe some soup. then a drive into the mountains. some clean air
in your lungs--
fresh air.
pretty views.

the trees here, yes. they're pretty.
but the walls in your bedroom can be pretty too
until you make them your
prison.
the coffee is good until it just becomes another
hunger killer.
the problem is, you're too
knotted up

in yourself to start building that new place to live in. you still obsess over what other people will think of you, or what your sick mind might say about you.
well listen, pretty eyes,
you're slow dancing death into a
daze
and you're not letting anyone
cut in."

"it's hard to let her go." he says. "i... i don't know. i just..."

"what?" i ask. "you what?"

his tongue touches his lips. he shakes his head. 
so much space in those skinny jeans.

"i feel like i deserve her."
he tells me.

he tells me because he can't see
what i see.

gold
behind those
bones.










___________________________




i missed writing. i missed it a lot

xxoo
kATE
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18 people commented on this post.

  1. and underneath my pain, which doesn't want to hear the words, i know that something in this is not painful. it's good. and i needed it.

    you're a wizard.

    and i'm astounded.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. I honestly don't know how to feel right now. I want to cry, but somehow you gave it enough hope to make me want to smile, just a little. and so descriptive, the scene just gradually paints itself as it goes along, totally naturally.

    I really need some context tho I just want to help this guy so much...

    ReplyDelete
  3. what am i supposed to say to this i don't even know
    i'm just sitting here and i literally don't know
    this is too pure and real and raw to respond to in these clumsy things called words and even these words are so not enoughndkjslkf

    ReplyDelete
  4. Kate I'm sitting here trying to write a comment but tbh I can't even make words right now because this is so so so so so so so good and it hurts but it's truthful and so right on...
    Like, people can't see through other people's eyes, and they can't see inside themselves sometimes, and it's so frustrating because you want them to see but they can't and you know it's hurting them and then it hurts you and it's just gaaaaaaahhhh......
    But you said it. And it's beautiful. And I love this. And I'm sending it to like 12 friends and I really love this alotalot. <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. i really don't even know what to say. i sat at my keyboard trying to figure out what to type for the last minute. i'm pretty sure i've said this like a million times at least but kate you are one amazing writer. like no other. your words are powerful, so powerful. this was beautiful, and i really don't have words to describe the beauty of it. maybe a little text heart will help. <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. Uh...It says my comment was published but I don't know what I wrote... So hopefully it wasn't the comment for a different blog. :P
    BUT!!! This was BEAUTIFUL, Kate! <3 I think it has to be one of my favorites. Mainly because I can relate so friggen much to your anonymous boy in the story. Is it a true piece of writing? Or based on just thoughts?
    Keep it up, girl!! <3
    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  7. If this is any indication of what your book is going to be like, I'm probably going to die halfway through reading it of pure awe.

    ReplyDelete
  8. girl.

    you already know what i think of this. how privileged i was to have read it before it was up on this blog.

    i know. loving this.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  9. this was mesmerizing. i could literally read a whole book like this.

    ReplyDelete
  10. <3 <3 <3 Mesmerizing... Absolutely mesmerizing. You make me want to write again. It's been too long...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Wow. I'm hypnotized by your words and your talent with them. It's amazing
    <3
    //Abby
    http://quillsandcurtsies.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  12. okay but i actually can't breathe maybe.
    there's so much here that rips me open.
    i can't handle.
    thank
    you

    Randy Abby
    WAKE ME UP Blog

    ReplyDelete
  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  14. My heart has flown away...THIS. IS. AMAZING

    ReplyDelete

comments are like dark chocolate and they make this kid way happy. I love hearing from you guys! (check back because I reply...and I love checking out your blogs, so don't leave me without a link to yours!) ♥