i'm in the closet too




i remember playing hide and seek when i was little at a friends house during weekly bible study. all the adults would be downstairs, and all of us would be upstairs, usually doing things we probably shouldn't have. but sometimes we would be good kids and play hide and seek, pressing ourselves frantically into towel closets and too-small-for-two-people cabinets and stuff while one of the elders of us counted too fast.

when you're a kid, hide and seek is like, this really serious thing. it's not even a game; your palms are sweating and you're breathing really hard and your ear is pressed up against the door-- and then you're holding your breath because you can hear footsteps on the other side, on the floorboards right there.

he's right there. and you're sweating.
and you're in battle mode.

i mean, am i right?

but it was always easier when you'd dragged your best friend into the closet with you. and so instead of you being sweaty and trying to hold your breath in a closet by yourself, you were doing it with someone else. sweaty hands finding and squeezing each other. whispers of breathless conversation. it was still just as intense, but you were both there and it somehow made it better than you being in the closet by yourself, and her being in some other closet somewhere down the hall.

i guess its that, i don't need you to tell me its ok-- i don't want you to. because sometimes its not. sometimes there are things going on in and around me that are not ok, and i don't want to give it the satisfaction of being validated as alright; it's not.

but sometimes the thing that scares me is that i feel like i'm the only one in this closet. that i'm the only one breathing hard in the dark, with palms sweating and an aggressive heart rattling my rib cage. it's not that i need to hear you tell me its ok, it's that i just want to feel your sweaty hand take mine and hear your voice tell me

"i'm in here too."

you're not in the dark by yourself. we're here together.



lOVE,
kATE
photos; old faithful, yellowstone
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43 people commented on this post.

  1. YES YES YES FOREVER THIS.
    AND OH MY GOSH THOSE PICTURES-
    ...HOW? DO? YOU? DO? THIS?

    love.

    (also p.s. i have moved to a new space! you can now find me at WAKE ME UP )

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    1. oh my GOODNESS <3 :') thank you. and guess what your new blog space is?? BEYOND. GORGEOUS. I can't wait to read your latest post and leave a comment

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  2. OH MY GOSH. aHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. EHLOP ALWHEFLIAWHFLAW HELP MEE MY LUNGS ARE BREAKING. this is just it. just it. why. xx

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    1. jwefpewbc :'''') <3 ADELAIDE oh man, thank you. Your words lift me up. like so so much

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  3. Ohhhhhh, I remember this. I loved this. Hide and seek was the best. Such nostalgia <3

    What am I saying I literally did this last fall. What are birthday parties with a bunch of teenagers without hide and seek in the pitch black? XD

    Anyways, tangent aside, oh I loved this, Kate. It's so beautiful. Like-
    "i guess its that, i don't need you to tell me its ok-- i don't want you to. because sometimes its not. sometimes there are things going on in and around me that are not ok, and i don't want to give it the satisfaction of being validated as alright; it's not."
    Yes. YesyesyesyesYES. It's not alright. But it's so much easier when you're not the only one in that closet, that dark space. <3<3<3

    Love this and you.

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    1. I so feel you. Like, cmon, do we ever *really* *stop* playing hide and seek?? XD nope. it does not happen. We need to keep the hide and seek thing.

      And thank you so much, girl :') it's about being there in that dark place together and FIGHTING it and knowing that that ISN'T ALL THERE IS, THERE IS MORE. YES. I couldn't agree with your beautiful words more

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  4. This.

    haha this

    YES!!

    "i guess its that, i don't need you to tell me its ok-- i don't want you to. because sometimes its not. sometimes there are things going on in and around me that are not ok, and i don't want to give it the satisfaction of being validated as alright; it's not. but sometimes the thing that scares me is that i feel like i'm the only one in this closet. that i'm the only one breathing hard in the dark, with palms sweating and an aggressive heart rattling my rib cage. it's not that i need to hear you tell me its ok, it's that i just want to feel your sweaty hand take mine and hear your voice tell me 'i'm in here too.'" >>>> this.

    I can't even handle what I just read. This is 300000% the truth. I feel this so deep and so strong.

    I thought of this all too often. I didn't want people to tell me it was okay or even that it would be okay. I just want you to hold me and give me support while I go through this. Because if you did tell me it would be okay I didn't believe you anyways. That's not what I needed.

    THIS.

    ugh ily man

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    1. ILY TOO MAN <3 :')

      your comment like made my eyes sting happy tears because I soo get you and feel that and just ugh yes. We're gonna make it. And I am so blessed beyond measure that this could speak to you like your amazing words always speak to me.

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  5. wow.

    This is such a great challenge for me in my practice of loving others authentically. The illustration. The description. YES!!!

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  6. YES YES THIS IS SO TRUE! UGH. I REMEMBER THE INTENSENESS.

    And now it's more like hide-in-a-really-easy-spot-to-find-that-is-also-a-place-you-can-easily-keep-a-sort-of-eye-on-the-kids-you-babysit.... XD

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    1. AHAHAHAHA RIGHT THOUGH??

      And dude yes, it was inteeennnsee

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  7. This was really beautiful! Thank you for writing it. <3

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    1. thank *you* for reading it and leaving me your words <3

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  8. GAAHH I love this!!! It's soo true and I needed the reminder to not say it's okay, but to reach out my own scared hand.

    http://andsowewillbethehopeful.blogspot.com/

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    1. "...to reach out my own scared hand." bfogibrg YES. AMEN. that. <3

      AND THANK YOU FOR LEAVING ME A LINK TO YOUR BLOG I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND YOUR BLOG FOR FOREVER UNLESS YOU JUST STARTED ONE. I AM SO EXCITED WAHOWEBG

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    2. Aahhh I just started it :P I'd been planning to for ages but was procrastinating, haha. It makes me so happy how excited you are!! :D Your blog is one of the ones that inspired me the most to make one of my own.

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    3. <3 :''') that means the world. AND I JUST COMMENTED OVER THERE. AISBDIEWB YOUR BLOG SPACE IS GORGEOUS IN EVERY WAY.

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  9. I'm trying really hard not to cry because this was like a punch to my soul. I feel this so much Kate. Your writing always wakes something so deep within me. Keep on keeping on.

    -jr xx

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    1. i could've cried reading this, man. It means SOOO much to me and just...yes. keep on keeping on, keeping on. Your words speak into the soul and call the light out of the dark

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  10. I've been trying to think of how to describe your writing, and all I can say is 'soul-full and unashamed.' It really is beautiful, and the message you wove through this piece is powerful. Thanks for the reminder - both that we're not alone, and also to reach out to others, get into their closets, and hold their hands, rather than speaking empty words. xx

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    1. Wow <3 that seriously means so much to me wow :') I can't describe. THANK YOU for being amazing and so inspiring. Your words uplift my soul every time I read them, whether in your comments or blog posts.

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  11. you have a real, real, real gift for writing. like i know a lot of people (including myself) want to be writers and all, but your writing, it's just -- deep. it penetrates into the soul, and it's bold. and that is more than a gift, dude. it's something really, really special <3
    thank you for this post. ---> you're not in the dark by yourself. we're here together." THAT. that. tHAT is such an incredible thing to hear. and wow..friends are some of God's greatest gifts. and i was thinking another way it applies to me is that even though i might not have PEOPLE like that in my life, God is always there. even in the dark, His light can shatter it.
    Wow, I seriously need to mull over this post like 30000x more.

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    1. saying thank you seems inadequate <3 this comment made my heart want to cry happy, touched, blessed tears.

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  12. Your way with words is nothing short of miraculous.

    I love this.

    And I'm joyously saying that the last few weeks, that closet door has cracked open a few centimeters. We're in the dark right now, but we're going to make it to the light.

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  13. Wow this is such an amazing way of looking at it. I've never thought about it like that. You are right, games of hide and seek were hardcore. It was almost as if you would meet your end if you were caught.. I love your way of writing.

    Lauren ♥ | Sincerely, Lauren Emily

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    1. they were SOOOO hardcore. And thank you so much, that means so much to me <3

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  14. oh my goodness I love this so much.
    because yes. so true. I remember being seven and we'd just bought our new house, and it was all empty and good for hide-and-seek playing, you know? and my momma played and hid in my closet -- and she popped out and scared me half to death -- and I wasn't even the one hiding.

    life's terrifying and sometimes we can feel like we're all alone, whether we're the ones hiding or seeking -- but we're not alone. and that is a beautiful thing. ❤️

    -Amanda @ Scattered Journal Pages

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    1. oh man that sounds like one of the best memories <3 gaaah. and YES, YES YES. AMEN

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  15. you are so freaking poignant I can't even. Seriously, Kate, your words just RING.

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  16. favorite metaphor of this situation, fear, place in life, etc. don't stop :')

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  17. i honestly can't smash my keyboard enough to express what i just felt because you just read this out loud to dad in the other room and now my body hurts like it literally hurts <3

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    1. i could smash my keyboard a thousand times and still not describe how precious you are. ily

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  18. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. you know it, i know it, we know this. down down down to those dark places that we were afraid to let others see. down to the dark places only love can reach. this goes there. this is to take a hold of and to never let it go even when the stars seem so far away. xx ow ow owow. i love this. <3

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    1. YOUR COMMENTS ARE BASICALLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OF POETRY :') YES. YES. YES.

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  19. KATIE. THIS. (no i'm not crying somebody is just cutting onions) OHMYGOODNESS this was soo good HOW DID I NOT SEE YOUR BLOG BEFORE THIS. You not only have a gorgeous writing style but the way you describe things makes me want to shriek "YES YES YES ALL OF THIS!" GAH this was amazing. Thank you, Katie!
    I'm following for sure. ♥

    ~Megan<333
    (megans-journals.blogspot.com)

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    1. oh my gooooodness, HELLO MEGAN, YOUR BEAUTIFUL COMMENT MADE MY WEEK AND THANK YOUUU <3 I am going to go and check out your blog!

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  20. this is SO beautiful i'm in LOVE with your blog <3 seriously everything about it just blows me away :o

    ~Noor
    www.alittlebitofsunshineblog.com

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    1. oh my gracious :'') thank you so much Noora! also your name is beautiful!

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comments are like dark chocolate and they make this kid way happy. I love hearing from you guys! (check back because I reply...and I love checking out your blogs, so don't leave me without a link to yours!) ♥