the frontman





I was sitting in the kitchen the other night talking to my mom about how people say things like "i can be myself when i..." am around this person, or when i'm doing this thing, or when i'm somewhere, etc. I was asking my mom why she thinks people say that, and she told me this:

"because there's a lot of people who aren't themselves either-- they're pretentious, and so you feel uncomfortable around them, and you aren't yourself either."

And I was like...huh. Interesting.

And then the next day I was sitting in the kitchen again, and I was thinking about how sometimes I'm not myself either. Like sometimes I'll be laying in bed that night thinking about the day and I'll be like "who was that person anyway?"

And the weird part is, I don't even try to do that. It just happens.

Then I think like, that's so weird. I write all these things about being yourself, and not being insecure, and I myself am insecure. And then I realize, that's because we all are, sometimes.

We all carry an emergency ski mask in our back pocket. We all have a frontman-- a silicone version of ourselves that we hid behind sometimes. A version of ourselves that doesn't have acne, that doesn't have quirky habits, that doesn't occasionally trip or spill coffee on themselves, that doesn't laugh awkwardly and rub their elbows and blush. A version that is cool, and calm, and collected, and precise. Organized, coy. An unblemished head turner.

I use the word frontman, and I named this post after it, because I think it's a good word.

A frontman can mean a few things, but the most familiar definition is the music one-- like the frontman of a band. The guy who stands in the front and sings the lead vocals.The hair flipper who touches hands and occasionally jumps off the drum set. The frontman is cool. There's GIFs of him on tumblr.

Oftentimes bands are seemingly defined by their frontman. But what if there was no drummer? Or guitarist. Or synth...person. What if there was no background vocals. Or stage managers, or techies. What if there was no person for the lights, and the sound checks.

A stage with only a frontman is a very lonely stage. And a frontman without a band is just like...a person standing on a platform trying to be something they aren't.

I was thinking about how I want to be myself around everyone, not just some-one. Who I am when I wake up in the morning, who I am when I'm alone, when I'm writing, when I'm humming while I sweep the kitchen floor at 11 pm...

I wanna be that person around everyone.

I was reading a book called 'how to be here' the other day, and the author was saying something like this:

"who you aren't isn't interesting... who you are is"

And I thought...huh. That's really really simple and obvious and true-- and we miss it every day.

The frontman isn't bad. But I want to be that frontman. I want to be the blue-print me touching hands and jumping off the drum set.The me with quirks, acne, and coffee stains.

Because she's interesting.

Like you are interesting.
The blueprint you.







lOVE,
kATE


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24 people commented on this post.

  1. I really love the music analogy here! Great post. We are all our own one-man-band, and all our quirks behind the eyes make us a lot more rounded in sound than a sad a cappella song on a dark stage!

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    1. www.ponderousthoughtsairiefeelings.blogspot.com

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    2. thank you so much, Nina! I couldn't have said it better. :)

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  2. "the blueprint you" << that's very good, may i use that?

    this is so ON. like, the idea that being perfect is boring. being "you" and "original" is better because even with mistakes and imperfections we are INTERESTING that way.

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    1. Use away, girl!! and YES, YES YES. Couldn't have said it better. Thank you so much, Sami <3

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  3. Oooo I like this a lot!! "Who you aren't isn't interesting... who you are IS." This was a huge struggle for me in the fall, I had that ski mask clamped over my face 110% of the time, and it was so hard! I would come home at the end of the day exhausted and I would just go to bed and cry because I didn't understand what was happening or who I was or how to change it. I figured it out, eventually, and everything is so much better now, but I get this! I do. And I wish I'd had that quote in October. ♡

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    1. *BIIIIG HUUUGS* I totally get you, girl. It's interesting how we go through seasons of our lives where it can be SO hard to actually BE who we are. And just fyi you are amazing. That is all.

      Thank you soo much for your kind words, Olivia. <3

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  4. what a post to chew on. yikes. <3 i'll be back once i get this through my head.

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  5. woah -- i'm blown away. you write with so much truth. i never really thought about it like that, the frontman of a band. but yeah, it does make sense. i want to be THAT person, because they're that interesting. the blueprint you. WOAH. um, yes. originality is something that i think people will forever be drawn to.

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    1. aahhhh, THANK YOU <3 The analogy just hit me the other morning and I realized that I really really really wanted to be that frontman.

      And I couldn't agree more about originality.

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  6. There is soooo much truth in this post oh my gosh. I'm always struggling with this. Like, I want to be ME all the time. But I feel like I'm not, and I can't exactly pinpoint why, or even when I do it sometimes. This will definitely give me something to think about.

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    1. Aggghh, I sooo know what you're talking about; and how like, when it's happening we don't even notice! That always gets me. I'm so blessed that you got something out of this, your words mean so much to me, Grace Anne! <3

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  7. It's a hard thing to do, being the blueprint you, all the time. But it's something to strive for.

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    1. Definitely worth it, all the way. :)

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  8. YOU YOU YOU YOU. WOW. *screams and withers into a pile of love and wowness* God is good. xx

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    1. DUUUUDE <3 *many many mnay hugs* :') God is the best and your words mean the world.

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  9. HEY YOUR NEW PROFILE PICTURE'S CUTE AND SO ARE YOU

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  10. AHHH!!!! Dude, catching up on blogs after a very busy few weeks and eeEPPPPP THIS IS SO GOOD AND SO PERFECT AND SO TRUE

    Like...we ALL do this. Imagine if we ALL stopped doing this! How much more peace would there be between us??!!

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    1. EXACTLY!! Like....that is the world we need to imagine and make real; maskless world. BONFIRE OF SKIMASKS.

      Thank you so much, Ashlyn <3

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  11. So, I don't really have anything coherent to say except that this has been going through my mind ever since I read it a few days ago, and I want to be that blueprint me too; to be who God created me to be. And like you said, He didn't make us with masks.

    Thanks so much for sharing, and, those photos just make the whole thing more vivid. xx

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