on the days when nothing works





It's always blown my head how sometimes something that has worked forever can suddenly give up it's function. How it can all shift, sometimes overnight. Something that's been a soft fallback rips off its mask to quietly turn up the heat beneath something inside of you that's been threatening to boil over since the day you were 

born. 

Songs, sermons, theorems, the hand on your shoulder telling you 'shhh' it's all going to be okay, when it already its not. 

Sometimes the things you've heard all your life that have made it better, don't make it better anymore. You learned from those things and you grew from them, but now you have more questions and the those things just aren't helping anymore. 

I'm tired of hearing that it's all okay. It hurts to hear someone say it's all fine when you're not-- you're not fine. I don't want a packaged, tidy answer. 

Give me the mess. 

Don't tell me the mess is okay, the mess is how it's supposed to be; no. Tell me you don't get it either, tell me you're lost too and I'll trust you. Sometimes it all hurts less when we drug ourselves with the idea that everything is as it should be. But I would rather let the pain rip apart the insides of my chest, than to except that this is

just 

how 

things 

are.

Because it's not.

Maybe we're not supposed to be so contented. Maybe, like flowers, we were born to be gravity fighters tilting our faces toward the sky. Maybe we're supposed to get angry. Maybe we're supposed to ask questions, maybe we're supposed to shake our fists at the pinpricks in the night sky and scream that we don't get it.

maybe our hearts were made to break.

Maybe it's only then, only when we let that thing inside of us spill over, that we can liberate ourselves enough to realize that we are our own demons. We are our own afflictions, our own diseases. We make this storm and lie in it. We drink the poison we brew. 

I'm so tired of all these rituals; these successions of hiding beneath the sheets. Of sticking our fingers in our ears and humming really loud to drown out a still, small voice that tells us to wake up. That tells us not that we are inadequate, but that we are

powerful. 

Beyond measure.

That things are this way, because well. We let them be that way.

Oh God, rip my soul apart with everything that rips yours apart. Break my heart into a thousand tiny pieces so it matches 

yours.





lOVE,
kATE

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17 people commented on this post.

  1. Replies
    1. so blessed you got something out of this :')

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  2. yeeesssss; I feel you sister. It's messy and complicated, and no, it's not meant to be this way. Love and prayers and chocolate your way:)

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    1. chocolate + love + prayers = you are the best thank you. <3

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  3. i needed this too. and i'm tearing up. no; i'm crying.

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    Replies
    1. sending so many hugs rn :') thank you

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  4. Oh my goodness, Kate, your words are filled with so much honesty and beauty. You have such a gift.

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  5. SHOOT. THIS IS FIRE.
    this is the kind of truth that punchs me in the gut and knocks the breathe out of my lungs and makes me feel alive. I've been kinda walking through some rough stuff recently with some friends and this is what our broken hearts need to hear. Not that it's all okay and this is just how things are and this is beautiful brokenness, because it's not. Sometimes, it's just not. Somethings are about as ugly as hell on this earth and we can't keep trying to wrap it up in pretty packaging and say it's life and it's beautiful. Because sin isn't beautiful and when it wrecks people's lives and takes peoples lives away it's not beautiful and it's not what God made us for. We were made for so much more.
    Okay, I got a little bit off track with that, but, yes. That last sentence. Yes. Thanks for this, Kate :') your words mean so much :')

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    1. *** punches *** breath
      haha, me

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    2. YES YES YES YES YES. :') Your comment made my morning and SO resonate. I know exactly the kind of thing you're talking about, and have been in situations that feel like that, and it's like...YES. EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID. You nailed it. You are an incredible human being, Olivia. And also I am praying for you, and you are gonna get through this all *hugs*

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  6. This writing is amazing! "Because things are this way, because well. We let them be that way." I think I needed that. Sometimes we have those days when nothing works, but honestly, I think I woke up today and realised that we're the ones making ourselves feel this way, and we really are powerful within ourselves to turn that feeling around, eventually.

    -M
    The Life of Little Me

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    Replies
    1. danggit, YES. I completely, totally agree... those are wise words. <3 Thank you, M.

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  7. Replies
    1. FARE THEE WELLLLLLLL *voice falling down a well like a little runt*

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    2. IT WOUUULDDAA BEEEN FUNNNYYYYY

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  8. wow. just, like. WOW. i needed this.
    because it isn't always ok.
    "Maybe, like flowers, we were born to be gravity fighters tilting our faces toward the sky. Maybe we're supposed to get angry. Maybe we're supposed to ask questions, maybe we're supposed to shake our fists at the pinpricks in the night sky and scream that we don't get it. maybe our hearts were made to break."
    ^^^ THAT.

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