throw pillows




This week I rediscovered the fact that I want to have things figured out. And not like, I want to have my day planned, my bills paid, and my bed made before noon; I mean that I want to know everything. I want to be able to look at something and analyze the heck out of it and then be like "....Okay. That is this. This goes into that box. Boom. Done. Next." I want to have all the big questions answered. I don't like ambiguity because it scares me. I don't like to not know things. I don't like to feel vulnerable.

And this morning I sit here typing, sipping my coffee, and I think to myself: imagine if I actually could live a life where all the questions were answered. A life in which I had everything figured out. What a sad, boring existence that would be. 

It's true that I don't want to feel vulnerable. Yes. But within that feeling of unknowing, within that ambiguity that makes me squirm is an invitation to trust.

And it's funny because I feel like in our modern culture, the word trust has become kind of soft and gooey and hallmarky. We use the term loosely, "trusting someone", but in reality? Maaaan. It's HARD and it's heavy, and it comes with all kinds of strings attached. It takes a loosening of the fists and a letting go of the idea that you are driving the bus here.

But when it comes down to it? I don't want to be driving the bus. I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE THE BUS. AND YET SO OFTEN I AM FIGHTING FOR THE STEERING WHEEL BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS. I want to know every turn and every stop and every. little. thing. But that is an exhausting, irritating way to live. I know I'm writing this as if I'm talking about something in my past that I've conquered and planted a flag at the top of, but DON'T BE DECEIVED. I fight these wolves every day. At night I sit down with my tea, and I sink back into the overabundance of throw-pillows on my mother's couch and I think:

"I have got to stop living like this. My head hurts."

I act like I want to drive the bus and I dress like a bus driver but deep deep down I'm begging for a backseat. I want to be that kid snuggled deep into a hoodie, falling asleep to the beat in my earbuds completely cool with wherever this ride is going to take me. I want to enjoy the scenery. I want to fall asleep with my forehead pressed against the window. I want to roll the tension back out of my shoulder blades and enjoy every single iota of the ride.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


I want to live like I believe that verse in the book of Jeremiah. Because so often I live like I'm the daughter of an unlicensed driver who has no idea where he's going or that I'm even tagging along in the backseat. Over the cliff we go.

Nope. I'm gonna call that what it is: an illusion. Because that verse up there tells me that my Papa? My papa has plans to prosper me, to give me hope and to give me a future. My papa is telling me that all these evils in the world are not my portion and that no weapon formed against me is going to prosper.

So do I listen to him, or do I listen to the voices in my head that tell me to fear? Trust is a noun, but it's also a verb-- a hard verb. Like, something I do even when I don't want to. Even when everything inside of me is like POHFBPIUSDA BUT YOUR LIIIIFEE. LOOK AT THIS MESS!!! THAT'S IT. *cracking the whip*.

Trusting even then. Biting your tongue and closing your eyes and being like "nope. He's got this. We're good. We. are. good."

That's what I want to work on this week.



Photographyness from a recent day trip to Hildine! Which is the Lincoln Family Home // the summer home of Robert Todd Lincoln and his wife Mary Harlan Lincoln. (Yes, I copied and pasted that from the little bio thingie that pops up on google. I get my Lincolns confused sometimes.) But if you're ever in my neck of the woods go. there. Because it is beaut. (Plus there's this amazing Thai place like ten minutes away. But I guess that's beside the point.)

There was a cool exhibit about Lincoln's inaugural address in which was featured the last mirror that Abraham Lincoln would have looked into before heading off to Ford's theatre the night of his assassination. Which was about as eerie as you could imagine but also fascinating. (feat. mirror shot up there.) 

Also, the aesthetics of this house scream nothing but Downton Abbey and I was like ahhhhhhhhbdsof the whole time.

SO IT'S MONDAY AGAIN MEEEEP. WHAT IS ONE THING THAT YOU ARE LIKE "I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH/LEARN/DO THIS THIS WEEK? ALSO, HOW DO YOU LET GO AND TRUST? AND IS IT HARD FOR YOU LIKE IT IS FOR ME? (if you say yes, I will feel better. XD)



XX
KATE
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23 people commented on this post.

  1. MAN. Trusting is so hard. I get that so much. I also think trust is living up to the promises you make as well as trusting that someone will live up to the ones they make. You know? Yeah.

    ALSO I SPY A GUY IN THOSE PICTURES. who is it? ;) and the pictures are so fab you don't even know ♥

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    1. p.s. just tagged you in my newest post over at wordspassingyouby.blogspot.com!

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    2. DUDE I SO SO SO MUCH AGREE. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE TAG TOO!!!!

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  2. Dude. I can't even pick a favorite line from this because it is LITERALLY what my mind is like every single day. I woke up peaceful this morning and you wanna know what I did?
    "Mom, why do I feel super chill?"
    And she said, "Don't. Just don't question it."
    And I said, "Sure" but I LIED. I questioned it. And now I'm like in a weird place where I'm calm because I know God is going to take care of me and I will be just fine, but I'm also like, "Those people over there don't look fine!" As if I have any idea what they're thinking or feeling.

    So. Yeah. I need to work on this, too. I'm pretty are we might be soul twins??

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    1. SOUL TWINS FOR THE WIN. AND THAT IS ALSO RHYMING GOALS RIGHT THERE XD i so so so so get what you are saying and feel the solidarity like SO DURN MUCH.

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  3. 1. I FEEL THIS. SO MUCH. so you know how Copernicus and Galileo and all those other guys argued about whether the sun or the earth was at the center of the universe? i feel like humans do the same thing: like, are WE in charge or is HE in charge? and then we just go around and around and around because one minute we're trusting and the next we're not. and basically YES. i get this. and i haven't figured it out yet, other than i know that it gets a little easier the more tired i get because i realize how much i DON'T want to use up more energy just to try and control everything. (but that's not really much of a solution. :/ )
    2. i second Cally - who's the guy? ;) ;)
    3. these. pictures. just - like - WOW. i want to go there.
    4. Accomplish list - start digging deeper into bible study time - because i feel like i just skim across the top. also, i'm starting to take a poetry/creative writing class so i plan on writing SO MANY WORDS.
    <3 Sami
    p.s. Thai food is NEVER beside the point. Thai food is life. or almost life, anyway. :)

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    1. GIRL that Copernicus and Galileo analogy was SPOT ON. I couldn't have said it better. That is a headfull to think about.

      NUmber four on your list-- I AM THERE WITH YOU. AND WRITING AND POETRY CLASS SOUND AMAZING; ENJOY IT!! and I agree thai food = life

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  4. OHMYGOSH I love you so much--this is so perfect and beautiful and it speaks to my soul like brownies do. The pictures are gorgeous and the words are lovely. Keep up the good work!!
    -Elissa
    letters-to-jayna.blogspot.com

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    1. DUDE THANK YOUU!!! LOve you too, chica! On my way over to check out your blog!

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  5. you are like the freaking gypsy child of an intergalactic magician of words. and boy am i glad someone neglected you on our doorstep. ♥

    also i find it funny how you call it mom's couch XD

    xoxo,
    boyz

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    1. it is moms couch. it's not my couch, is it? its not YOUR couch IS IT?!>! WHO WENT ON WAYFAIR.COM? WHO LOOKED AT ALL THE PRETTY FURNITURE AND DID THE WORK AND PUT IN THE EXTRA MILE? HHHMMM?! it is mom's couch. my MOTHERS COUCH. YOUR MOTHERS COUCH. OUR MOTHERS COUCH. OUR BEAUTIFUL MOTHERS COUCH. OUR BEAUTIFUL MOTHERS BEAUTIFUL COUCH. UPON WHICH WE ARE PRIVILEGED TO SIT OUR UNGRATEFUL BUMS.

      and btw everything else you said makes me want to throw myself on the floor and flail and cry cause i love you so dang much.

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  6. I CAN'T EVEN.

    Like, first off, your photos are so gorgeous. Agh.

    And OMGGGGG. "I don't like ambiguity because it scares me. I don't like to not know things. I don't like to feel vulnerable." Girl, how are you reading my mind? You always seem to say exactly what I need to hear. Thank you. ♥

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    1. AWWWW man, Grace your comment blessed me so so so so much. <3 SO HAPPY THIS SPOK TO YOU TOO. been weighing on my heart lately.

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  7. Do you read my mind?! Like everything you write is so relevant, and leaves me feeling full of heart and empty of words.

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    1. Ahhhhh, Jessica I'm so glad! That means so much to me, thank you! <3

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  8. YOUR PHOTOGRAPHY SKILLS ARE SICKENINGLY BEAUTIFUL THAT IS ALL. Actually, not quite all because your writing skills are ajfdklafd too. I love how you described being the kid snuggled in hoodie in the back of the bus. <3 I also totally get what you mean about trust. :O I have a secret wish to know everything too?? Plus know about how all the things worked or how to do anything of ever, that would be nice. :') But kind of besides the point of your post. Ahem. ANYWAY. I just wanted to say this is an amazing feast for my eyeballs. I shall shush now. :')

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    1. DUDE THANK YOU SO MUCHLY! and I totally get you right there, gaah. Dealing with the same, dealing with the same. Life can be a beast sometimes and trust can be a learning curve yo.

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  9. Trust is so hard. My younger brother once told me when we were little that I was a control freak, and I got angry and denied it. I've spent the rest of my life since then realizing he was right. I'm one of those "if you want something done right, do it yourself" type of people -- and I want EVERYTHING done right.

    This is sort of an ongoing thing, not just for this week, but I'm trying and failing and struggling to be satisfied. That gratitude list I mentioned on your last post? I've added it to it three, maybe four times in about two weeks. It's so much easier to curl up in a fuzzy blanket, complaining, and shove the world aside with the covers of a book.

    I hope you grow in your ability to trust -- it's an uphill battle, but aren't they all?

    (also, you've made me hungry for some good masaman curry and Thai iced tea)

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    1. Solidarity. I feel like/people have told me that I am like that sometimes also. It has it's upsides and downsides, but the good thing in that is that you have LEADERSHIP pounding in your heart. I can relate to that. And the being satisfied thing..! Yes...yes. I WANT YOU TO DO A GUESTPOST ABOUT THE GRATITUDE LIST THING IF YOU ARE UP FOR IT. IMA GO ASK YOU ON YOUR BLOG SO YOU WILL SEE MY REQUEST.

      and masaman curry is where it's at.

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  10. GURLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. that picture of the iron almost had me in tears because dude. my feels. i dream of living in a house like that. <3

    this was a post of truth. trust is so hard, because it is something so completely outside of ourselves. that whisper of, "i do not know what lies beyond this bend in the road, but i believe that it is for my good. no matter what happens." although...it's more of a screaming and less of a whispering sometimes. it's hard to hear myself over the din. i'm just glad that i could hear every word of this post.

    <3

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    1. DUDE, THANK YOU SO MUCH <3

      and YES. Trust is like an invitation to lean into the unknown and hope its solid and not something you will fall through. And we have an amazing Papa who is telling us that HE IS SOLID and we can trust that. Gaaah, you know what it's a good journey <3 your comment leaves my heart in joy dance

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  11. Oh wow. this post hit me hard because it sounds just like me. fighting to take over the wheel, but yet wanting to just shrink and cuddle at the back of the bus. this post was so real and so true. because oh yes, trusting is one heck of a commitment, but to know and to rest knowing that He is in control, that He has plans to /prosper/ us. oh man. yes and amen and amen.

    every word of this post is magical and so convicting. thanks for sharing<3

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    1. yeesss! yes, yes, yes. I am there with you. Wanting to be at the steering wheel and yet at the back of the bus at the same time. It sounds like it wouldn't even be possible but oh man it is. Thank you so much for your wonderful words! They encourage and bless me so much!

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